If history repeats itself: A Timeline

Singaporeans are not known to be very creative and have a penchant for allowing history to repeat itself. Working under the assumption that history can be used to predict the future, Molly has created a time line of things to come. A few events with no historical precedence are randomly thrown in for the reader’s benefit.

17 August 2011: 2011 Presidential Election Nomination Day

18-20 August 2011: PAP fear-mongering strikes at full-force with the help of the Straits Times. Singaporeans will be told 20 times per minute that they must vote for the right person or end up a President that will allow the executive branch of government to squander Singapore’s past reserves and cause an irreversible fragmentation of society. Tony Tan appears in even in nightmares thanks to the relentless “news coverage” he gets.

21 August 2011: Emeritus Senior Minister Goh assures everyone that Tony is truly independent despite his close links with the PAP. Tony Tan can check the government if it does anything wrong, just like how PAP MPs can function like an opposition MP.

22 August 2011: Kuan Yew goes around warning people that if Singaporeans elect the wrong person as President, they would be responsible for turning Singapore into a mass grave. He insinuates that the average Singapore is an inferior stupid who needs to heed the wise advice of the PAP in all matters, including the Presidential Election.

23 August 2011: Netizens have a fun time slamming the Emeritus Ministers

24 August 2011: Hsien Loong tears up and says sorry, begging everyone vote for the PAP’s preferred candidate. A Hollywood director offers him a role in his next movie.

26 August 2011: Tony Tan’s administrator, Mr. Dennis Ho, accidentally posts a comment on Tan’s facebook, deriding another Tan.

27 August 2011: Voting Day, some Tan makes a police report about the facebook post.

28 August 2011: Tony Tan becomes President

September – October: Tony Tan makes a few remarks here and there to show the people that he is independent and will speak up against the PAP

November 2011: With the two elections of 2011 and their accompanying charades are over, a collective sigh of relief is heard from the PAP.

December 2011: Singaporeans do not need to dream of a white Christmas. They get one. Still no news on police investigation regarding the 26 August facebook post.

2012: Some guy on death roll appeals to Tony Tan for clemency, but gets rejected. TOC runs articles on the death penalty. Singaporeans generally don’t give a damn.

2012-2016: Things become more and more expensive. Recession. Transport Minister tells, “See, it was a good thing that we allowed a transport fare hike in 2011. Surely you don’t want a hike when there is a recession?” Thanks to hare-brained re-employment policies, it gets harder than ever for people in their 50s to find jobs, but people get told that they cannot retire even when they die—now their ghosts have to work for Singapore as well. “Productivity beyond the grave” becomes the Ministry of Manpower’s campaign slogan. The SAF starts by having an operationally-ready Ghost Division.

Pre-2016 GE: The PAP reminds everyone that it has a half a century of experience and a proven track record, and how dangerous democracy. We are told that Aljunied has become a slum whereas Potong Pasir, which is expanded into a GRC, has become undergone massive upgrading. Kuan Yew will still stand for election.

GE 2016: PAP wins landslide victory with 80% of the votes thanks to its dumb old-citizen support base and fawning new-citizen support base. There is one opposition MP.

Presidential Election 2016: Kuan Yew is asked if Singapore is now ready for a female President. Kuan Yew replies that Singapore is ready for any President that is endorsed by the PAP, and not ready for anyone else.

2018: Kuan Yew dies, but continues to hold political office because, according to his colleagues, he “can still contribute.” No by-election. Kuan Yew still has a team of secretaries working for him just in case Singapore needs him to make good his promise to return.

Lunar 7th Month 2018: Kuan Yew returns for a media interview and sues people for defamation.

2021: Kuan Yew becomes the world’s first dead man to be voted into Parliament.

2022: Singapore renames itself Utopia. Misery is punishable by death.

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9 Responses

  1. I am ‘ a little disappointed’ if things are going to unfold from the way you mentioned 🙂 You mean for all the calls to get the people to upgrade their skills, these policy makers haven’t upgraded their skills or ammunition for the upcoming PE, since GE ?

  2. Once again an excellent post with a good sense of humour!

  3. Given the state of technology, I won’t be surprised that Mr Lee pulls a Futurama, has his head in a jar and continues to govern. Now that would make your utopic vision truly complete. Just saying.

  4. Haha good sense of humor.

  5. Haha, this is awesomely hilarious, you got to let me borrow that crystal ball some time.=D

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