Molly’s Pocket Political Dictionary (Work in Progress)

We were reminded that Singapore is the most unique place on earth when it was explained to us why Singapore’s ministers need to have the world’s most unique pay structure. It is necessary, then, to have a unique dictionary. Contributions are welcomed.

Assimilation: the process of making someone (esp a new immigrant) likable to the PAP

Change: an empty promise made as a means to maintain the status quo

Citizen: 1. derogatory. a person who is legally bound to state exploitation

2.  cheap local labor

Constitution: a document that is amended regularly to protect the dominant party’s hegemony

Cost of living: a trigger of clinical depression for those who live below minimum wage (see minimum wage)

Debate: 1. a journey towards a predetermined conclusion sponsored by taxpayers’ money; a farce

2. the act of causing one’s opponents intense frustration with self-righteously delivered rhetorical fallacies

Democracy: a synonym for authoritarianism except when it is paired with the adjective, “Western”

Election: the process whereby the PAP claims to have a mandate; an unnecessary part of the democratic process that exists as an unfashionable alternative to walkovers

Free speech: a prerogative of the PAP

GDP: Growth Determines Pay. The principle of pegging political leaders’ salaries to economic growth even if it benefits only a small minority

Gerrymandering: a legitimate political process whereby political constituencies are reshaped or obliterated.

LKY: 1. a mythical founding father

2. a floundering father

Meritocracy: a common justification for discriminating against those who are socially immobile

Minimum wage: A wage estimated to be around $1, 000, 000 per year as of 2012; the wage below which the future of one’s children are sacrificed.

Note: only ministers are eligible for minimum wage.

News: propaganda

PAP: 1. a) Pinky and Papa, b) Party of Authoritarian Pricks, c) Power Always Perpetuated, d) People After Pay, e) Public Anal Probe, f) Pompous Asses Pwned

2. A joke which everyone finds funny but hates

Parliament: 1. a place that should be as homogeneous as possible

2. a place where political stampedes for the purpose of crushing opposition politicians take place

Peach Garden: ivory tower

Reasoning: the process of parroting nonsense generated by the PAP

Retirement age: the age at which one dies

Singapore: the work of art plagiarized by George Orwell when he wrote Animal Farm

Swiss standard of living: literary. a broken dream

Talent: 1. a rare, highly paid person

2. a foreigner

Usage: the commonly used term “foreign talent” is tautological.

Unlawful assembly: any one person (or more) who has the intent to do something the PAP does not like

Vampire: archaic. a minister

Vote: a currency periodically squandered by the majority

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